AB Baby's Home...!

The tall man signed his name as Abhinav Bhindra in the entry register at the entrance of the condominium apartments I stay in, but it went unnoticed by the security guards. The lady visitor who signed in next after half an hour, was quick to recognize the only name worth chanting in the nation these days. Speaking breathlessly into her mobile, she raced up to her friend she’d come a visiting, pressed the doorbell, and waited impatiently.

“AB!!!!” they suddenly squealed together, which made the ground beneath their feet quake, and given the quality of construction at the ultra premium condo, some cement chipped off the ceiling and fell on my khichadi on the floor below.

“AB!!!” came another squeal, this time in the balcony, out for everyone to hear, and sure enough, not without the desired effect. Soon, more footsteps could be felt thundering all around, from above, from below, from the park and from the parking lot, all gravitating in that one direction.

Craning my neck up, I asked one of the ladies who was leaning against the balcony above mine the reason for such sound and flurry. “AB is here in our condo!! Our condo!! AB!! Can you believe it?”

“AB who? Senior or junior or junior’s wife?”

“Hallo! Have you been hibernating? The only AB worth mentioning…”

I didn’t stay on to hear the rest. The look of incredulity from them all told me I’d already made an ass of myself.

Soon, the action seemed to move elsewhere as the combined weight trundled off en mass.

Later that evening, a notice on the building bulletin board said AB had graciously consented to come down to our society on such and such day, and that it was the condo’s honour to be hosting him. I could sniff the excitement in the condo’s air. Oh what a coup of sorts, some exclaimed, against the rival condos in the locality! One stroke, and they’d be mowed down on the popularity charts. The condo will be front page news. Who knows AB may like this place, and buy himself a flat here. I overheard two residents discuss buying a couple more flats in this complex rightaway, as the property price would shoot (said with a wink, meant as a shared joke) up immediately.

In the interest of national pride and condo solidarity, I decided to attend the function at the club house.

The next day I learnt from my part-time domestic help that our ladies, who were last heard trundling off the previous day, had landed at an old lady’s (an octogenarian living alone with her pup) flat where Mr AB was to have come, but unfortunately, our man had already left the condo premises by then. My maid paused here to ask if this man was really a VIP, and I confirmed with a short nod. My maid looked pleased. She said she’d get her children to the function.

Over the course of the week, I got the complete de-briefing. It turned out that Abhi (as the old lady referred to him) happened to be that old lady’s nephew and that he’d just returned from the US, and was due to leave for Europe on work and had briefly come to meet his aunt. Few ladies seem to have tried to correct the old lady saying they were sure she meant China not USA, but then the others were quick to point out that it was quite possible he’d gone there post Beijing. The old lady seemed lost. They asked her if he’d shown her his gold, but she said the boy, being humble as he was, never spoke of any gold or silver to her. Our ladies probed further and satisfied themselves that he was still single without any known commitments. The old lady added that Abhinav’s mother is on a constant lookout for the right one for him, but the fellow just doesn’t seem interested. One of the ladies nodded, and said she’d read about him having mentioned some personal problems prior to China, must have been some girl. Girls these days are too insensitive, they nodded and agreed. Such a gem this boy, and look how he’s wasting himself without a perfect match. More nods followed. The old lady seemed more perplexed about this public knowledge of intimate details of her nephew’s life.

Our ladies then managed to prevail upon her to invite him over for lunch that weekend. They said he was a national asset, and they wished to felicitate him. The old lady smiled and said that every Indian is a national asset, at which the ladies collectively saluted the old lady for her humility. But shhh! they said, not a word to be sneaked to him until he breezed into the Surppprrrrise! One lady winked and corrected, ‘shoot’ into the surprise, and the entire cackle of them is said to have cracked up laughing at their cleverness as they left.

Convincing the Resident’s Welfare Association Secretary to make an occasion out of it was the least of the troubles. And so, the notice on all the notice boards across the several towers of the condo.

And then came the preparation for the mega event. Any element of spontaneity was decided to be done away with, as AB is believed to be a perfectionist. The secretary came up to rehearse his speech.

Somewhere in the middle of it, he made a rousing suggestion, “Bindra Boulevard we’ll rename our arterial pathway”, and everyone reacted rapturously. “The towers will be renamed Abhinav Tower 1, AT 2 and so on,” residents got up from their seats and got delirious. “We’ll convert one section of the landscaped area into a shooting range for practice,” and the young residents turned on their heads and hurrah-ed.

Seeing the residents getting carried away, the secretary requested those present to maintain decorum. The key to impressing AB was in precision, he said, and we were asked to clap in unison. Zero discordant notes. We tried. When some children, despite all efforts, and mostly due to the soaring excitement, failed to get the applause-chord right, they were given the petal-showering duty. So each time the residents clapped, petals were to be showered over AB.

Mrs C raised her hand and said she could arrange for white petals (AB’s favourite colour, she’d done her homework on that, she said) free of cost, from her aunt’s flower shop, provided the aunt’s family was invited to sit through the proceedings, and the aunt’s daughter would be the one sent up to throw the garland around AB.

Furor, furor! The Condo moms were up in arms at this. Garland! Outside daughter! What about the very many accomplished eligible Bindra matches within the condo? Unfair unfair! No outsider would get that privilege. Mrs C gave a nonchalant shrug and said, well then, go ahead, shell out money to get his favourite whites! Bloody expensive they are, in case you forgot to factor that in! He is a class apart, ladies!

It was a delicate situation for the Secy and Jt. Secy. Cash crunch versus crashing sentiments. Stalemate. The Jt. Secy, a lady with a college going daughter, came up with a solution. A ‘Miss Condo’ for young ladies, but of course, with Mr AB adjudging!

The youth of substance were quick to vociferously object to this blatant gender stereotyping, and decided to walk off, calling this entire AB felicitation business a farcical exercise by the desperate moms in match-making with AB. Shame on you, swayamvar organizers, few said as they stormed out. Ah, plain-speak! Utter chaos ensued, and the junta stood more divided than the day they had come together to elect the office bearers.

The hapless Secy looked on helplessly at the imminent fiasco, when he suddenly cleared his throat and said into the mike that there was a way out. If they so wished, the interested parties could have a private audience with AB in the library after the function, and exchange numbers, bio-datas, and so on.

Never before in the brief history of the condo had such unanimous aye aye’s been heard. The hall reverberated with thunderous applause and chants of excellent idea excellent idea, which made the glass panes shake and some cement chip off the ceiling. But no one seemed to notice.

With tempers showing signs of cooling down, it was decided that the little ones would take to the stage. A mother whose child had just been taught, ‘Prabhu hamara kitna mahaan’ volunterred to adapt the song on the lines of ‘AB hamara kitna mahaa…’ and train the kids; another mom suggested getting the toddlers to recite the new alphabetical mantra – A for Abhinav, B for bullets, C for Champ, and so on…

I didn’t stay on to hear the rest. And decided to give the Sunday event a skip too.

But then when I saw the hordes congregating at the club house on D-day, I gave in, and silently took a seat at the rear. And like everyone else there, waited.

Just then, someone screamed from one end that the old lady could be seen along with a young man, slowly tottering towards the club house. There was a murmur, then a noise, then shhhhs, there was excitement, there was nervousness, there was anticipation. And there was that long wait of three minutes, which seemed like eternity, while the lady paced in at her own pace.

And then there was complete silence. Complete silence. The silence of shock and disbelief, as the young man stepped in and shook hands with the Hon Secy saying, “Abhinav Bhindra, so nice to see you!”
And then, oh, only then did everyone realize what a single alphabet can do! For our man turned out to be AB with an ‘h’ in his surname! And he certainly wasn’t complaining!